I didn’t start having dreams about Jason until just recently. I suppose I was glad I wasn’t dreaming about him because then I would be forced to wake up to reality…which I’ve done enough the past several months.
Last night I did dream of Jason and it wasn’t a warm-fuzzy dream but a prickly and jolting dream that woke me up at 4am and left me unable to fall back asleep.
It started out as a normal day with me walking in the door after work and being greeted by 16 furry feet. Jason always arrived home long after me so pulling into an empty garage didn’t strike me as unusual. It wasn’t until I looked at the kitchen counter and noticed the absence of his various phone and tablet chargers. And then I walked upstairs and noticed all of his toiletries were no longer littering his bathroom sink. I started to become frantic when I walked into the closet and there wasn’t one stitch of clothing that belonged to him…even his running shoes were gone! I started to panic. I began opening drawers and looking for socks, underwear and t-shirts. Nothing. Just empty drawer space. It was as if he never existed and our good-bye kiss that morning was just an illusion. I searched the house for a note thinking maybe he just needed a break, the kind of break that involved erasing his existence from our house. Then I called his cell phone and it went straight to voicemail…but not HIS voicemail. It was just the generic message you get saying that the person at number blah blah blah is unable to answer his phone.
I didn’t know what to do. Where was he and why in the hell didn’t he leave me a note? Was there something I had missed in our exchange that morning that said “This is the last time you’ll see me and it will be as if I never existed.” I still had my wedding ring on but his was no longer dangling from my neck. What happened to him that forced such a sudden departure free of any warning? I then thought briefly about a movie I had seen once where something very similar happens…the Twilight fans out there should know what I am referring to.
And then I woke up. I was mad. I was angry because one of the few dreams I have about Jason and it involved him leaving without saying goodbye, which is essentially what happened, although against his will.
This dream haunted me from 4am and throughout the day. I kept replaying it in my mind because of course I understood the symbolism, but why that dream and why now when I so desperately wanted anything to make me feel closer to him.
The Magical Coincidence:
And then something curious happened around 2pm while I was sitting at the car dealership waiting to have my oil changed and tires rotated. A task I had been putting off for a few weeks now. I was tired of the “maintenance required” light flashing at me obnoxiously so I gave in. I was sitting at the dealership wishing I had gone to the other Toyota location because they offered complimentary water and soda, and it would have been quieter. But alas I found myself at the loud and obnoxious dealership that stunk of rubber and hostility as people became impatient (and thirsty) while waiting for their vehicles.
I happened to notice a very calm and serene woman amongst this madness. She was sitting right across from me happily knitting a blanket and successfully blocking out the distractions around her. She seemed happy despite her surroundings. I figured she was knitting a blanket for an upcoming grandchild just based on her age and color choice in yarn. About that time her “service professional” walked up to let her know her car was ready and he asked what she was working on. She said she was knitting a blanket for Project Linus. Project Linus is an organization of volunteers who knit blankets for sick children and teenagers to bring them comfort. Sometimes those children are terminally ill and then those blankets are given to the family as a final keepsake. I too am a recipient of one of these blankets which I have mentioned in a past blog. Jason was covered in one of these blankets when I went back to his room to say my final goodbyes. The hospital gave me the blanket when I left. At first I didn’t really appreciate this crappy consolation prize as I referred to it, but now I cherish it and am so glad to keep it close by…even if it is a little scratchy!
Once the lady was finished talking to the gentleman I briefly introduced myself and apologized for eavesdropping on her, but mentioned I overheard the words Project Linus and that I just really wanted to thank her. I told her I too have a Project Linus blanket and explained to her how the gesture was one of the things the hospital got right that day, and that I really appreciated being able to keep the last known piece of material that kept my husband warm. Being able to thank her lifted my spirits and I felt a little happier afterwards, and I could tell she was grateful that those hours spent knitting really were worth it!
This is just another one of those magical occurrences I cannot explain but am grateful for when they happen. I am making sure I am very open and receptive to these coincidences because they get me through the days.