Lowering Expectations

I had plans to board a plane today at 4pm and head to Seattle and Portland for a vacation.  I canceled.  My fondest memories of the Pacific Northwest revolve around Jason and I wasn’t up to bulldozing over those just yet.   I lived in Seattle for three years and never had as much fun as I did when Jason and I spent 4 days there for our first wedding anniversary.  In fact every experience was better when I shared it with him.  He illuminated my existence and turned a black and white world into a Technicolor production.   I didn’t even realize the full effect he had until the lights went out.  I can find my way through the house in the dark because of the familiarity but nothing feels the same.   Every single thing I do is different now.  Grocery shopping, pumping gas, feeding the dogs, folding laundry, eating dinner, taking a shower, mowing the grass, checking the mail, making to-do lists…

There is a hollowness to the routine of everyday life because I’m just going through the motions, but my mind is often far away.  I keep pulling myself back to the present, willing myself to feel the NOW.   I become easily entangled in the “what was” and the “what could have been” and both can be treacherous places.  I knew that walking around Seattle and Portland absent of my best friend’s presence would lead me into both of those traps.  THIS MOMENT.  That is all I can handle for now and acknowledging my limitations has been both humbling and liberating at the same time.  Lowering expectations of one’s self isn’t always a bad thing when all of your energy is spent trudging through the NOW.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Lowering Expectations

  1. sarahtrank says:

    Thank you for writing this. You are able to express exactly how I feel in the everyday moments. My husband died two months ago after after an 8 month battle with cancer. I’m grateful for the reminder to lower expectations, and I’m grateful for your writing- it pushes me to also continue. Much love. -Sarah

    Like

    • reneeschlosser says:

      I’m so glad to hear that my words are able to help. Finding a “widowed community” on WordPress has made me feel less alone on this journey and I’m just as grateful for people like yourself for sharing your own experiences. We can do this. One foot in front of the other.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s