Today is the 5 month anniversary of the End of The World as I knew it. I came across a C.S. Lewis quote that captures the unpredictable nature of grief and how it feels to have a scab ripped off a wound before it has had a chance to heal. People will tell you that “it” gets better with time so in your mind you believe that every day will get easier and hurt less, so you create expectations about your healing process. The problem is that this advice is not true. The sadness is persistent and overwhelming, and doesn’t subside just because minutes have passed. Grief doesn’t wear a watch or look at a calendar. Every day seems to start the process over but now I know this, and so I am prepared to confront the exhausting and familiar emotions. What has happened for me is that I have become more comfortable with confronting the emptiness and acknowledging it. Then I must find ways to work with it rather than against it. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to convert the despair into something usable and sustaining, but it can be done. It is the reason I write.
“Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened up again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare reality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?”