We have a natural tendency to put those we loved on a pedestal after they die, as if everything they said and did was absolutely perfect. And we all know that relationships aren’t perfect and are a tremendous amount of work. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what my life would have been like 5 years from now had things been different. Jason was so career driven and worked more than anyone I’ve ever met. He was an absolute perfectionist and would spend hours on one single PowerPoint slide to get it exactly perfect so he could present it to a room full of Chinese businessmen, who didn’t know what the hell he was talking about anyway. And I spent hours and hours just waiting for a place on his schedule. We didn’t even spend our 2nd wedding anniversary together because he was in Whistler on a work retreat. I celebrated by myself, just like I did on Tuesday. He told me there would be other anniversaries and he would make up for it. But there wasn’t. He missed the last one.
I hated hated hated Jason’s job. He took the position only a couple of months after we were married and that was that. He warned me there’d be some travel involved but he never said two weeks at a time, or that even when he wasn’t traveling he’d be barricaded in the office with the door shut, or that he would wake up at 4am and leave for work, not returning until 7pm. And then he’d constantly be checking his work email while we were eating dinner, and then he’d pull out his laptop and continue tinkering on whatever it was that was more important than us. I remember nights just sitting on the couch staring at him waiting for him to look up…but he rarely did. It felt like rejection and it hurt. I began to feel like subtle background music….always there but easy to ignore.
So, if Jason were here right now he’d probably be working and I’d feel almost as lonely as I do now. What would life be like 5 years from now? I loved him more than anything and I’m sure he loved me too…but I think the meaning of life and his existence revolved around his success….and my life revolved around him.
I’m angry about all of the things we missed out on because he was traveling around the world or on a conference call at 10pm with Korean sales people. I’m starting to realize that there probably wasn’t really time for me in his long-term plans…so 5 years from now….I’d probably find myself alone just as I do now.
And there is the truth of it all.