Broken Heart, Broken Gall Bladder

It turns out that 6 months worth of Velveeta Shells & Cheese, Totino’s Party Pizzas, Cheetos, Oreos and expensive craft beer aren’t good for you.  I’ve been a stranger to WordPress because my insides finally told me to kiss off…mainly just my liver and gall bladder, but they are serious about it.  I’ve spent the last two weeks fending off a sinus infection and a gnawing burning sensation in my stomach.  I was pretty sure that alien thing from Total Recall was going to bust through my stomach like the Kool-Aid mascot from the 80’s commercials.    I had to go through the whole CT and HIDA scan process to figure out what was going on, and the verdict is that I need to change my eating habits.  Can’t I just bring Jason back instead?  I kind of blame this on him.  I know that isn’t fair but I just want processed comfort food void of nutritional value.   I have a full bag of leafy kale rotting in the refrigerator and a freezer full of frozen vegetables and fruit.  But really, where is the fun in that?  Sitting on the couch crying into a kale smoothie isn’t as satisfying as waking up in a macaroni and cheese coma with potato chips lodged in the crevices of my couch, and sometimes my hair.

I think anyone going through the grieving process should get a year off of life…a sabbatical of sorts.  We have mending to do and can’t be bothered with our own health.  Just getting out of bed and maintaining our hygiene should be applauded.   The fact I’m wearing clean underwear and they aren’t on backwards should be as impressive as Stephen Hawking’s theories on quantum mechanics.

This sounds terribly morbid but over the past several months I have wished for something to take me out too…not like suicide but just something beyond my control, like a stray meteor or an escaped T. Rex secretly cloned by the government.   I imagine his tiny arms ripping me to shreds as I drop a bomb in his toothy and fierce mouth…thereby saving the rest of the planet.  I’ve spent entirely too much time daydreaming (and emitting weird gurgling sounds from my abdomen) and not enough time writing lately.   I feel like I have let Jason down in some ways.  I kept hearing his voice in my head saying “just write, just write” but I was ignoring him because I felt crappy and also because I felt defiant towards his death.  I know this isn’t his fault and he’d tell me to buck up and get on with it.   Put down the pizza and go exercise he’d tell me.

I am attempting to fix that starting now….as soon as I finish off my very last box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese and a pumpkin ale.


3 thoughts on “Broken Heart, Broken Gall Bladder

  1. Gallbladder pain is the worst. I have never felt anything like it before. I had mine out as an emergency operation a couple years ago. My husband was out of town for it and I told him he would never live it down. Turns out that one was true but I thought I’d have decades to tease him with “Remember that time you left me alone for my very first surgery?” I gotta say, I miss the painful bastard gallbladder and I wish I had a chance to fix it. It is total BS that had to happen to you now.

    I know what you mean by kinda wishing something would take you out. I actually had the thought “Ebola? Meh, that would be okay.”


    1. It sounds like you dealt with an out-of-town husband more than you should have too. If only we had known time was so limited. I would have made sure Jason got fired from his job and then he’d have no choice but to spend time with me 🙂

      That’s funny because I also thought maybe I should just be a volunteer for the Ebola relief efforts. They wouldn’t even need to provide me with a suit….or I could infiltrate ISIS and take them out like a suicide bomber. Daydreams…


  2. I totally agree with needing a year off from life when you’re grieving…at least! It’s ridiculous how they force you to make all these life-altering decisions immediately following the loss. Like anyone is in any shape to make good decisions in the aftermath of grief. It has been a little over 1 1/2 years since my husband died and I still struggle with basic, everyday activities. I was pretty numb for the first 6 months. I’ve had those same thoughts of wanting to go, too. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know there are others battling through grief.


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