Moving On through Demolition Derby

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Jason and I were indiscriminate consumers of pop culture and we would do anything as long as it was entertaining or offered excellent people watching.  I loved that about him.  We would buy season tickets to the local theater and watch plays like The Glass Menagerie or Educating Rita on a Friday night, and then follow that up with roller derby and cheap warm beer on Saturday.   We went to film festivals and overdosed on documentaries but still made time for monster truck shows.   There was nothing beneath (or above) us as long as it offered an experience.   I remember going to the opera and stopping by Taco Bell on the way home.  Love songs and Arias topped with a Meximelt.

The Dixie Classic Fair started last weekend and I thought about how we missed Figure 8 racing and demolition derby last year because he was in Finland.  And then I thought about the River Run Film Festival and how we missed out on that too.  I could have done those things by myself or with a friend but instead I just stayed home, waiting for Jason’s plane to bring him back.   Jason and I could communicate a joke to one another without even speaking…usually it was just a look and we’d both start giggling like we’d just sucked nitrous oxide from a Redi-Whip can.  It isn’t often you find yourself in another person.  We used to joke about the Seinfeld episode where Jerry meets Janeane Garofalo’s character and says “I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for!  Me!”  It kinda felt that way most of the time, as narcissistic as that may sound.

I just can’t get past how full the first four years of our relationship were and how empty the last two felt.  It was his work.  His all-consuming job that not only took up his time but began to slowly alter his personality.  It seemed like the constant traveling and stress just started to chip away at him and the glimmer started to fade.  Sometimes I feel like a part of him died long before April 13th…yet he loved his job for some ridiculous reason.

Consequently I am determined to go the fair on Friday night and watch the demolition derby while cheering for my favorite jalopy, and stuffing my face with funnel cakes and giant turkey legs.  Gall bladder be damned!   I’m also going to the film festival when it comes around again and buying VIP tickets to a haunted house this year.  Jason and I both missed out on far too much the last couple of years and although I’m grateful for the experiences we shared, there were so many we missed.  I no longer mind eating dinner alone at a restaurant or going to a play by myself.  There was a time when I worried that other people might see the lonely and friendless girl sitting alone at a table for 4 and feel sorry for me.  But now I don’t really give a shit because I don’t feel sorry for myself…I feel sorry that Jason and I didn’t make more time for OUR experiences.  I refuse to miss out on anything else because of circumstances beyond my control.  And I know Jason would tell me to go without him, so I am.

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