6 Month Anniversary

I’m really exhausted.

Jason’s dog has been sick and is starting to make Linda Blair’s projectile vomiting look tame.   I know I have to make a decision about his future soon.  Dammit.   I am still staring at a pile of paperwork that I can’t complete without documents from the State ME who is in absolutely no hurry.  The house needs some work which I can’t really do without hiring someone who knows what they are doing…another expense I have to put off for now.  All the grass in the backyard is dying so I am dealing with a red clay mud pit and 8 paws that need to be intercepted and wiped before entry.  I keep misplacing things like my phone and forgetting important dates, like family members’ birthdays.  I have no idea how to get the volume on the downstairs TV to work, and I keep having technological problems that I can’t solve without spending an hour a night on message boards, troubleshooting everything from why my texts suddenly come back undeliverable to how to change the stupid thermostat.   I spent an entire week just trying to figure out why I couldn’t eat anything without feeling a fire in my stomach.  Yet a glass of Glenlivet doesn’t hurt a bit.  It seems like every time I turn around there is some new dilemma I have to solve by myself.

I suppose I got spoiled being able to share these burdens over the past 6 years and although I have always been an independent person, I am now an unwillingly independent widow.  I’ve gone through many emotions including yelling at Jason for installing the password protected Nest and making everything in our house Bluetooth (also requiring f’ing passwords which I can’t crack), to crying and rolling around on the floor pleading with him to come back.   I underestimated how much energy this would suck from my life and I’m just ready to take a very long nap far away from everything.   Perhaps a two-week hiatus in a place with no cell coverage and no technology to backfire in my face.

I keep daydreaming about running away from home but then I’d just be passing the problems to my parents, which doesn’t seem fair either.  I keep repeating to myself “This too shall pass…”

But when?  When is this going to pass because I am running out of steam and motivation.   Just when I feel like I’ve turned a corner and am ready to plow forward I hit quicksand and it sucks me down further than I was.  I do believe that I’m stronger than I thought but I keep feeling like the levee is going to break at some point.  And then what will happen?  Dragging so much anger and sadness around starts to wear you down and the thought of waving the white flag seems like a really good idea.

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