Am I Turning Soft?

Last night was the first meeting of the “loss of a spouse” support group.  I had no idea what to expect since my only experiences were the scenes from Fight Club.  I was the youngest member as expected but I still felt an immediate connection with the rest of the club that nobody wants to be a member of…ever…despite your age.   Listening to the stories and struggles of the others quickly made me realize how lucky I am to have so many friends surrounding me.  Some of the widows seemingly had nobody to turn to and I felt very sorry for them because this support group, full of complete strangers, was the most comfort they’ve had in months.

I know there was initially some concern about how I would feel being the youngest member of this shitty club but grief doesn’t discriminate with age.   We are all mourning a future we thought would be there, whether it be 50 more years or just 5 more years with our best friend.

I have homework for our next session.  I secretly love homework and projects so I was delighted when I was given as assignment before leaving.  I have to bring a couple of pictures of Jason and also write about what I hope to gain from these group sessions, and what I hope for others in the group.  I already know the answer to that question.  I want the other widows and widowers I met tonight to rediscover happiness and not feel guilty or angry.  I want them to know they aren’t alone and even though I only just met them, I feel like they are my family.

And I want Jason to know that this experience has oddly enough made me less bitter, even though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.  He always told me he thought people were inherently good-hearted, and I always told him that only four-footed furry animals were inherently good-hearted and pure.  I’m starting to come around to his way of thinking.

I keep imagining him with a warm, yet slightly smug, smile on his face.  That was the look he’d give me every time he fact-checked something I said on Google…and then he’d delightfully point out my inaccuracies.  I never thought I would miss that, but I do.



2 thoughts on “Am I Turning Soft?

  1. I went back to the cancer support group we used to attend together. I remember feeling out of place as I was young and had no kids amidst others who lost people close to them. None were spouses because I wasn’t allowed in the Spouse group they had on the account I had no kids. I never went back and never looked back. Now I am giving back to others and it helps with my healing..seeing others smile helps me grieve. Everyone copes differently…take one day at a time and keep up on your ‘homework’ 🙂


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