And I Ran…

I am a sponge absorbing the pain of the world today.  I cannot stop crying and the tears falling aren’t just for Jason but tears for everyone…and everything shitty that seems to be happening everywhere I turn.  I avoid the news for this very reason but today bad news is inescapable.

I heard about a horrible car accident that claimed multiple lives from a friend’s family.  Then someone sent me a link to the Ottawa soldier who was killed on Wednesday.  There’s a photo showing his dogs waiting for him to come home with their noses peeking out from under the gate, next to all of the flowers and Canadian flags left outside his door.  My friend sent me the link because of the likeness between his dogs and Klaus.  She didn’t send me the link so I’d break out in tears and want to hide in the restroom for the remainder of the day.

But that is what I’d like to do.

Instead I have to sit at my desk on display like a puppy at a pet store until 5pm.  And then I can finally escape to the solitude of my car and cry without worrying what everyone will think.  It gets so tiring…holding it together.  I have an office door but it does little good when the wall is made of glass.  Sometimes it’s like coming to work naked, emotionally naked. Showing up at work without clothes probably wouldn’t bother me as much as coming to work with a lump in my throat and the bottled up tears and snot.  I’m glad it is Friday.  I’m glad I can spend the next two days crying and screaming if I so desire, or running in the park and playing with my dog.  I have no idea how I’m going to feel tomorrow when I wake up.  I have no idea how I’m going to feel in 15 minutes from now.

All I know is that at this moment I feel an overwhelming and paralyzing sadness that steals my breath and makes my eyes feel hot and watery.

I just want to escape all of these horrible things happening around me, and from all of the uncomfortable emotions bubbling like lava inside my heart and my head.   So I think what I’m going to do is take a 15-minute break in my car and listen to “I Ran (so far away)” by Flock of Seagulls and maybe scream for a few minutes.  I might also go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and order a hot fudge sundae.  With extra syrup…and nuts.






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