I haven’t written in a long time because I felt like I didn’t have permission to be hurt, disgruntled, sad, angry, hostile, lonely, grief-stricken, sick to death with life, tired and guilty. My first several posts had an element of hope that has been missing lately. That’s because I miss Jason and it hurts tremendously. I would prefer to be physically drawn and quartered because I wouldn’t have to endure so long.
Jason: He was my best friend. He was my motivation. He was my laughter. He was the best sound in the world. He was my travel companion. He was the completer of thoughts and sentences. He was the person I told about my day. He was the person who slept next to me and made me feel at home. He was the person who was going to get gray hairs with me and complain about the kids these days. He was the person who left me post-it notes every morning. He was the person I had waited for. He was my future…and too little of my past. I lost it all in seconds. Why shouldn’t I feel angry and hopeless?
I know those of you who are currently living through this terrible fucking reality feel that way too. And for those of you who haven’t experienced it…please just be thankful and don’t question my motivations or my feelings or my anger. Don’t try to fix it. Just listen.
I’m almost to seven months. It doesn’t get any easier. It doesn’t hurt any less. It doesn’t become more manageable. It doesn’t ever let up. It is just a persistent and unrelenting burning pain that I have to endure because there is no other option. And I know eventually it will become just a part of who I am and it won’t hurt the same way it does today.
Love and grief can disfigure us. It can make us unrecognizable even to ourselves. It can keep us from opening to new experiences….or it can give us the courage to let our guard down and be ourselves. I’m just trying to figure out who I am without Jason. And in the process I will be sad, hopeless, angry, confused and bitter. I think it is a necessary transformation. And hopefully with the permission to go through this experience I will emerge from the other side with a more compassionate heart and the ability to endure Anything.