I love my dog. I love my cats too and I loved Jason’s dog Dieter…but Klaus is my canine soul mate. In fact I’m not even sure he is a canine at all. Sometimes I think he might be the reincarnation of my best friend from high school who died of bone cancer at 21. I can openly cry in front of him on a daily basis and I never feel the least bit self-conscious, even when snot bubbles are forming on the end of my nose. He even licks the tears from my face (although I think he just likes salt). My best friend in high school didn’t lick my face but I cried in front of him a lot and he was an amazing listener. My dad keeps telling me I’m going to get worms from Klaus but firstly he doesn’t have worms, and secondly I asked my vet about the possibility of parasitic transfer from face licking just to be safe. The chances are very minimal. There’s probably a higher likelihood of Klaus catching something from me considering he goes to the vet for checkups more than I wash my hair.
I take Klaus to Camp Bow Wow a few days a week so he can be with “his people” and also because I’m worried about him taking on my depression. I want to make sure he stays happy because he brings me so much happiness, and because he comes home exhausted! Camp BW has camper cams so people can watch their dogs have fun while they work to pay “tuition.” It’s a good thing work hooked us up with two monitors so I can have email pulled up on one screen and camper cam on the other. I’d be the most unproductive employee otherwise.
I always wonder if Klaus thinks about Jason. Sometimes I pull up videos of the two of them playing so he can watch and hopefully remember his dad. He’ll cock his head to the side and I swear I can see understanding and sadness on his face. He’s sleeping next to me on the bed as I write this and across the room are Jason’s and Dieter’s ashes, side by side. I think about how eventually I’ll probably have my entire family in wooden boxes on my dresser. What a humbling and shitty thought. I want Klaus to live forever because I don’t know how to survive this without him.
He had a mast cell tumor as a 7-month old puppy and it was indeed cancerous. We had it removed and I was fully prepared to take whatever measures necessary to keep him cancer-free, including maxing out all of my credit cards and selling organs I didn’t really need. Jason grimaced when I told him dog chemo could be up to $10,000. I check Klaus constantly for anything out of the ordinary and have become paranoid about losing him prematurely too.
Sometimes I think my fears are unwarranted and sometimes I don’t. Two of my best friends died before reaching 21, two out of my five siblings are dead, numerous ex-boyfriends have died in the past several years, and then my husband died at 31. It’s enough loss to make me concerned about forming new relationships with anyone. I even told myself I would never get another dog after Klaus but I probably will because I love animals too much, and they are one of the few things that bring peace and calmness to my rippled thoughts. And the shelters are too full because lazy people won’t spay/neuter their pets (another post for another day).
I had every intention of writing a smarmy and bitter post tonight because it was just a rough day, but I am making an effort to focus on unicorns and rainbows. I know several of my blog followers are members of the “W” club and I think we have enough darkness in our lives as it is.
So my hopes for those of you who are courageously trudging through this nightmare, whether it be the loss of a parent, child or spouse, is that you find something that brings you happiness every single day. I want all of you to have a Klaus in your life because we deserve happiness too and something to absorb our tears (or lick them).