Waking Up Stinks

Waking up lately has been so difficult because I’m searching the bed to my right and it is still cold and empty.  Not sure what I expected it to be after 7 months but there is still an isolated part of my being that cannot accept this reality.  I miss Jason so much that it physically hurts my body and there are nights I wake up thinking I’m in the middle of an appendicitis or a heart attack.  And there are mornings I wish I didn’t see sometimes.  I just want to hibernate and sleep through this until it passes but I know the correct way to work “through” it is not by going “around” it.  I’ve gone around all of the other losses in my life and that was my coping strategy.  They are all catching up with me at once it seems.

I have flashbacks of riding to school with my friend Heather and listening to The Cure or sneaking out late at night with Jonathan to smoke smuggled cigarettes.  I think about an ex-boyfriend who “came out” right after we broke up and then died years later from a drug overdose because his family had disowned him.   Those memories still seem very fresh although it has been almost 17 years.   I can’t convince myself to believe in an afterlife but I sometimes wonder if Jason and Jonathan would be best friends too because they were so much alike.  And IF there is an afterlife then I hope Jonathan finds Jason and keeps him company until I get there.  I just want to see him again so I can tell him everything I didn’t have a chance to say, and to apologize for the things I shouldn’t have said.

I go through this process of missing Jason every morning and it just lingers all through the day, and becomes acutely painful again at night.  My mom was widowed at 27 and she said it gets worse before it gets better.  She said she didn’t want to tell me that because she was hoping it might be different for me…but that hasn’t been the case.   I guess what I am feeling is normal but why does this have to be something we go through at all?  I just want to hibernate…

 

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