There have been many new “firsts” without Jason. Since his death I’ve had his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary and now Thanksgiving. In addition to milestone dates that have come and gone I’ve also had many new experiences that I wish I could have shared with him. I’m much more fearless than I was and maybe that’s just because nothing is as terrifying as losing your husband, and I figure if I can survive that then I must be tougher than I thought.
I can watch horror movies by myself and not feel the need to leave the bathroom light on anymore. I can even look directly into the mirror at night and not fear what might be standing behind me. I’ve gone on late night walks through the woods at my parents’ house armed with just a flashlight. I’ve performed “Bette Davis Eyes” and “Beast of Burden” at karaoke all by myself…well a bit of whiskey may have been involved. I’ve fired a few handguns at a shooting range and I intend to make it a regular event. I’ve figured out how to use the weed-eater and change the line. I’ve annihilated spiders as large as a half-dollar with just a tissue. I’ve assembled complex Ikea furniture while Klaus reads the instructions to me. I’ve pitched an 8-person tent with only minimal assistance. I even got my very first speeding ticket a few weeks ago after 20 years of driving. I feel like such an outlaw (and I’ve been watching entirely too much Sons of Anarchy)! I’ve made myself wake up every day and push forward even when it was the last thing I wanted to do. With the exception of the speeding ticket these are all moments I’m proud of and wish I could share with Jason…but then if Jason were still here I may not have had the incentive to do them either.
Although this experience of loss mostly makes me feel tired, spent and lonely, there are surges of energy and determination which rise to the surface unexpectedly and inspire me to do things out of my comfort zone. And what is more uncomfortable than planning a funeral and standing in a receiving line at a wake??
Don’t worry Bonnie, I got this.