The Last Night

Tonight was our last support group meeting.  I already miss the friends I made  who were strangers to me only 6 weeks ago.   I remember driving home from the second meeting crying and screaming at the top of my lungs the word “why” over and over again until I was hoarse.  And I was so damn angry.  All I could think is why do people we love have to die?  Why do horrible diseases slowly steal dreams from us and force us to watch  our loved ones slip away?  How can the heart be strong enough to keep blood coursing through us and then just stop abruptly without any warning?  How can so much suffering and pain be stuffed into one tiny little room?   Why do words like ‘widow’ and ‘widower’ even have to exist?

I don’t have answers to any of the questions above but I know one truth:  I am far from being alone, and losing the most important person in my life has brought so many new people to my door.   I have many unexpected gifts from Jason.  I have a #2 Mom and a #2 Dad I didn’t have on April 12th.  I have 8 new friends who I would have never met otherwise.  I have a new niece or nephew on the way.   I have the experience and wisdom to hopefully help someone else now.

Each individual from my group is extremely special to me and taught me something unique.  Sharing stories of life and death in a stuffy room while tears cascade down cheeks is one of the most humbling experiences and I am a better person for it.  None of us wanted to be in that room but that’s how we spent the last 6 Mondays.  And now it is finished and I’m very sad.   Hugging everyone tonight and telling them to drive safe and have a Happy Thanksgiving made my lip tremble.  Will any of us really have a Happy Thanksgiving?  I hope so.

I cried the entire way home and repeated the names of our dead spouses in my head to keep them alive just a little longer.  I also thought about the 10 things I am grateful for and despite my sadness I came up with at least 20 things I am grateful for instead!    I’m most grateful for being the person Jason wanted to spend his life with and for having those 6 years together.   I miss him.

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2 thoughts on “The Last Night

  1. Addie says:

    The second to last sentence is really sticking in my head. So powerful.
    My husband died 12 weeks ago, I’d not thought of it in that way. Being grateful that I am the person he had chosen for the last 9 & half years.
    Thank you.

    Like

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