I want to say thank you to everyone who has commented on my posts lately. Just knowing so many others are facing the same daily challenges and treading water too gives me the inspiration to keep my head up, and my paws on the keyboard. It also makes me sad that so many other widows and widowers trudged through Thanksgiving without an essential part of their being. Don’t worry my friends…the holidays will be over soon and then we can have an anti-Thanksgiving and Christmas celebration. This reminds me that I need to hit the craft store soon for my iron-on “2014 Can Suck It” letters for my t-shirt.
I spent this Thanksgiving digging up the backyard and expanding the patio area since I can’t get grass to grow anyway. I ate frozen lasagna for dinner and pre-mixed salad from a bag. And I was completely okay with this break from tradition. I always end up overeating and feeling guilty for the mass murder of turkeys anyway. I kept so busy and distracted that I really didn’t even notice it was Thanksgiving…and I’m certainly not a participant of the Black Friday chaos. I was anticipating Thanksgiving to be much more difficult than it was, but whenever I started to feel that sense of despair creeping in I tried to refocus my thoughts on my memories of last Thanksgiving. My sister and her family came from Ohio, an occurrence that has only happened a handful of times in 20 years. Jason and my niece played Xbox Kinect and my sister conned me into taking her shopping at 8pm on Thanksgiving….never again! But it was a great Thanksgiving because I rarely get to spend holidays with my family due to the distance, and we went through a lot of beer and wine. Uncle Jason really seemed happy and my nieces and nephew loved him.
I also spent this weekend discussing my directionless future with my parents. And this was probably one of the deepest conversations I’ve had with my dad in years. Maybe all the honesty and dialogue was due to my knack for making an overly strong bloody mary, but let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t do any drunk texting or emailing last night. My dad had me ready to submit my letter of resignation at work and had I been able to type a legible letter, then I probably would have done so considering the empowerment I was feeling after our talk.
I’m terrified of failure when it comes to major life decisions, like quitting my job for example. But tonight my parents both encouraged me to spend the remainder of my life doing something that makes me happy…and if not for myself, then at least for Jason. He wasn’t afraid to take a leap despite not knowing how the landing would turn out and he always wanted me to do the same, but I never did. I always had an excuse for not jumping. This fear has stunted any potential dreams I’ve had and has kept me paralyzed.
My 85-year old dad told me “life is too short to spend it being miserable” and I immediately thought about the 31 years Jason spent being happy, and how he would have made sure he was doing exactly what he wanted to be doing….or he would change it. But he would not allow himself to be in a toxic situation that was negatively impacting his potential to become a better person.
It is clearly time for a change, safety net or no safety net.