Reality comes in waves. I think it doesn’t hit all at once because it would be too overwhelming and I’d surely drown. I’m already tiredly treading water and my head keeps going under but somehow I surface again, gasping and choking for calmness and a moment to catch my breath. And then another wave comes just when I get to my feet.
Small truths such as “Jason will never hear this song” or “We didn’t have a chance to try out that restaurant” I bookmarked on Yelp creep into my brain leaving me paralyzed. I curl myself around my dog until I can move again and rational thoughts start to return.
5,979 songs in my iTunes library and almost every single one holds some memory of Jason. That’s 18.6 days worth of longing and pining away for someone who is never going to return. Even the songs since I’ve purchased since April 13th make me think of him. It is a rare thing to meet someone who likes almost everything you like, and hates the same things too. I had given up when Jason found me on my 31st birthday. Every guy I met had been such a disappointment. And then he appeared unexpectedly.
I try so hard not to be bitter and angry at the unfairness of it all but it requires a fight. I’m grateful for having the time I had with Jason but having experienced true bliss and then having it yanked from me is cruel. No reason for why these things happen will ever be acceptable to me.