I miss him. It isn’t that I want to forget him but I just wish I could have one full minute of feeling whole again. Even when I’m here, I’m not really here. I’m either reflecting on a past that becomes more and more distant or a future that will never be realized. All I can do is remember the sound of his laugh or imagine a place we’ll never see together, but I can’t stand to be in the moment because he doesn’t exist in this realm. He doesn’t live in the present, and therefore I cannot either.
What a strange feeling to be living entirely inside my head but functioning like a person who is aware of her surroundings. I barely remember my interactions throughout the day or driving to work in the mornings. I suppose I’m going off memory of who I was…going through the motions because I’ve done it 1,000 times. Or maybe if I look up through this perpetual fog I will see strings tied to my limbs and a puppeteer guiding my movements.
I look up at Jason’s urn sometimes and think about how he is trapped inside…or maybe I am trapped outside? I’m not sure which is correct. All I know for sure is that he’s not here and every single part of my being is entirely aware of his absence ALL of the time. I never accidentally pick up the phone to call him because I forget he’s gone. I wish I could forget for just a split second because it would be a split second of peace. I haven’t experienced that feeling in almost 8 months.