Life on Auto-Pilot

I miss him.  It isn’t that I want to forget him but I just wish I could have one full minute of feeling whole again.  Even when I’m here, I’m not really here.  I’m either reflecting on a past that becomes more and more distant or a future that will never be realized.  All I can do is remember the sound of his laugh or imagine a place we’ll never see together, but I can’t stand to be in the moment because he doesn’t exist in this realm.  He doesn’t live in the present, and therefore I cannot either.

What a strange feeling to be living entirely inside my head but functioning like a person who is aware of her surroundings.  I barely remember my interactions throughout the day or driving to work in the mornings.  I suppose I’m going off memory of who I was…going through the motions because I’ve done it 1,000 times.  Or maybe if I look up through this perpetual fog I will see strings tied to my limbs and a puppeteer guiding my movements.

I look up at Jason’s urn sometimes and think about how he is trapped inside…or maybe I am trapped outside?  I’m not sure which is correct.   All I know for sure is that he’s not here and every single part of my being is entirely aware of his absence ALL of the time.  I never accidentally pick up the phone to call him because I forget he’s gone.  I wish I could forget for just a split second because it would be a split second of peace.  I haven’t experienced that feeling in almost 8 months.

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