Molting

It has been 3 months since I’ve written a single word or logged in to my blog.  I am not sure what came over me with the start of 2015 but I woke up on January 1st with a complete hatred and disdain for my previous life.   I haven’t wanted anything to do with the past.  It sounds cold and detached but I don’t want to be reminded of the existence I had prior to April 13th.  The memories of Jason don’t even seem real to me and if it weren’t for photos and mail still being delivered to him, then I would doubt the legitimacy of such memories.

I’ve moved into a different house to escape the ghosts and the haunting feeling that life will never again be what it was.  I wish I could edit the past and just cut 2008-2014 but then again it is the most important part of the story, and the only way I can explain my bitterness and distrust towards anything good.  Perhaps this sounds dramatic but I feel as though I’ve been conditioned to expect terrible things to happen.  I was always a negative thinker but this experience has only served as justification.  I am capable of feeling happiness but it is always temporary because I remind myself that it won’t last.  My philosophy is that life is waiting to sucker punch those who have let their guard down, so I should probably be prepared to have the shit knocked out of me at any given moment.  Being on constant alert is exhausting.   Why bother having anything when everything can be snatched away in a second?

I would give all of my things away, move far from here, change my name and create a new history if I thought it would make me content.

Advertisements