Molting

It has been 3 months since I’ve written a single word or logged in to my blog.  I am not sure what came over me with the start of 2015 but I woke up on January 1st with a complete hatred and disdain for my previous life.   I haven’t wanted anything to do with the past.  It sounds cold and detached but I don’t want to be reminded of the existence I had prior to April 13th.  The memories of Jason don’t even seem real to me and if it weren’t for photos and mail still being delivered to him, then I would doubt the legitimacy of such memories.

I’ve moved into a different house to escape the ghosts and the haunting feeling that life will never again be what it was.  I wish I could edit the past and just cut 2008-2014 but then again it is the most important part of the story, and the only way I can explain my bitterness and distrust towards anything good.  Perhaps this sounds dramatic but I feel as though I’ve been conditioned to expect terrible things to happen.  I was always a negative thinker but this experience has only served as justification.  I am capable of feeling happiness but it is always temporary because I remind myself that it won’t last.  My philosophy is that life is waiting to sucker punch those who have let their guard down, so I should probably be prepared to have the shit knocked out of me at any given moment.  Being on constant alert is exhausting.   Why bother having anything when everything can be snatched away in a second?

I would give all of my things away, move far from here, change my name and create a new history if I thought it would make me content.

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2 thoughts on “Molting

  1. Hi Renee,

    I hope you don’t mind that I have stumbled across your blog and started reading about your experience with loss. I lost the love of my life, my fiancé Jason Andrew Brenner at the age of 36, on July 21st this summer. He was healthy and happy and we had so many hopes and dreams for the future ahead, until he collapsed suddenly and passed away from a cardiac arrhythmia. I would love to be able to talk with you at some point about how you have coped with this past year and a half since your husbands passing. You have started a blog which in my mind is extremely courageous! I want to do the same for my Jason, but don’t know where to begin. My heart goes out to you Renee. Hope you’re well, and would love the opportunity to speak with you at some point about how you have managed to survive without the love of your life!

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    1. Hi Kristen
      I am so sorry to hear about your Jason and I would be more than happy to talk to you about what the past 16 months have been like for me. The circumstances of his death sound very much like my Jason’s…unexpected and of no chance to say goodbye. I saw a counselor through Hospice for about 8 months following Jason’s death and she was so helpful but I have to say that starting a blog and reading about other people’s experiences has probably been the greatest source of strength. I kept hearing the words “it will get easier” but I just couldn’t see it for so long. I do now though and I can tell you that I’m in a much better place mentally and emotionally than I was even 6 months ago. Of course the grief comes and goes and I still have days that just seem full of tears but I know that the sadness will pass and I’ll be able to think of Jason and smile. It was so hard to look at pictures of him or even say his name for so long but I can now, and even listening to his saved voicemails has become doable again. My personal email address is spacegirl77@gmail.com so please feel free to email me if that is easier. I don’t check my blog as much anymore and I haven’t posted anything in a long time but I think that is a sign of healing to me. Be patient with yourself more than anything and I promise it will get easier to deal with but it takes time. I’ll be thinking of you and please don’t hesitate to email me since I check that on a daily basis.

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