I Don’t Deserve To Be Happy

I’m not a good person.  I vented on some posts which I have since removed because I was completely out of line.  The things I said about someone I do care about were malicious and an immature reaction to having my own feelings crushed.   I’m entirely too old to behave the way I did and I made a huge mistake by purging my anger in a public domain.  Knowing how deeply I hurt that person makes my heart break all over again.  I felt rejected and I reacted harshly.

All I can do at this point is try to learn from the mistakes I made and hope that he can forgive me.  I acted like an asshole and I need to own that.  It has been a really rough 18 months and whenever I think I’m back on my feet I do something to screw it up.  I create problems for myself and I think it is because deep down I know I don’t really deserve anyone’s love.

I feel responsible for Jason’s death because maybe his heart wouldn’t have stopped if he hadn’t taken Adderall…and the only reason he got a prescription for it was because I raved about how great it made me feel.  I’ve dealt with guilt over this for a long time and it will never go away, and it probably shouldn’t because I need to live with it.  And now I feel an entirely new guilt for hurting someone I loved.  I feel toxic to everyone around me and frankly I wish I could trade places with Jason because he was a good person and made  those around him feel good about themselves, and I have a tendency to do the opposite.  I don’t want to be here anymore.

To the person I hurt:  I am so sorry and I understand if you can’t forgive me for the things I said.  You were right.  I’m a terrible human being and I am fucked up.

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