I’m not a good person. I vented on some posts which I have since removed because I was completely out of line. The things I said about someone I do care about were malicious and an immature reaction to having my own feelings crushed. I’m entirely too old to behave the way I did and I made a huge mistake by purging my anger in a public domain. Knowing how deeply I hurt that person makes my heart break all over again. I felt rejected and I reacted harshly.
All I can do at this point is try to learn from the mistakes I made and hope that he can forgive me. I acted like an asshole and I need to own that. It has been a really rough 18 months and whenever I think I’m back on my feet I do something to screw it up. I create problems for myself and I think it is because deep down I know I don’t really deserve anyone’s love.
I feel responsible for Jason’s death because maybe his heart wouldn’t have stopped if he hadn’t taken Adderall…and the only reason he got a prescription for it was because I raved about how great it made me feel. I’ve dealt with guilt over this for a long time and it will never go away, and it probably shouldn’t because I need to live with it. And now I feel an entirely new guilt for hurting someone I loved. I feel toxic to everyone around me and frankly I wish I could trade places with Jason because he was a good person and made those around him feel good about themselves, and I have a tendency to do the opposite. I don’t want to be here anymore.
To the person I hurt: I am so sorry and I understand if you can’t forgive me for the things I said. You were right. I’m a terrible human being and I am fucked up.