Tired

1a7c7fb415d626a9677e74dbe75bedd0  I think I found the bottom.  I thought I had been here before but this is an entirely different place.  I never realized depression could be so physical but the weight on my chest just keeps intensifying until I can barely breathe.   If one more person tells me I just need to get out and do something to get my mind off things I’ll probably lunge towards them with something blunt.

The problem is that I want to walk my dog, I want to be engaged in a book, I want to exercise, I want to make dinner that doesn’t come in a frozen block, I want to just feel happiness…but I can’t see the point in doing any of these things.  It takes every ounce of energy I have to come to work and pretend like I’m okay when I’m not.  All I desire to do is crawl back into my bed and just sleep because that’s the only time I get a break from feeling utterly and completely hopeless.

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.  I’m so tired of pretending and holding back the emotions and tears.  Dying just sounds like the best outcome and the only way to make the pain stop.

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13 thoughts on “Tired

  1. Don’t do it. I felt like this a month ago, if it wasn’t for the fact my sister relies on me I probably would have done something stupid. Have you tried anti depressants? I’m only on week 2 but I already feel better, not fantastic but like you said: I can now cook, I cleaned my apartment for the first time in MONTHS and I don’t feel so hopeless anymore. I know your American (I think) so you have a lot of options, I’m on citalopram 10mg (low dose) ask your doctor for that. And keep writing, I think its helping you, it’s clear you have a lot to say. Don’t give up, there’s always something new to try x

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    1. I’ve always ridden the roller coaster of depression so I have fairly regular ups and downs. I’ll be fine one day and horrible the next. It was a little easier when my husband was around because he had ways of distracting me:-)
      I actually take Wellbutrin for the depression and ADD but sometimes even the medication can’t bust through the negativity. I’m sure in a few days I’ll feel much better. Thank you for commenting…writing helps but being able to use it as a way of connecting with other people has been the most helpful.

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      1. My mum used to distract me too, I didn’t realise how long I had been depressed for until she past, then it just got worse. I’m told that you can always shake up your cocktail if it’s not working, but you’d feel it in your gut if it’s the pills that are the problem. It sounds silly but maybe just set one goal for each day fr a while eg. I WILL wash the dishes/take out the trash/call a friend today. IT might help -or not but here’s hoping x

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  2. I completely understand. I feel exactly the same way. All I can say is writing here helps a little. Just to read and be read by people going through the same thing. Helps me go on when I don’t necessarily want to. xo

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    1. I just started following your blog. I’m 38 as well…right in the middle of life in a situation I would have never anticipated. It is really hard to keep moving forward when you don’t have someone to share experiences with anymore. But…here we are. *hugs*

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      1. Yes… Here we are still. Sometimes we have to grasp at anything that will keep us going and never lose hope that things will change. I know it’s easier to give advice than to take it, even when you’re in the same situation. I struggle mostly with loneliness, even though I am surrounded by a lot of great people. I’m just missing the only one I want by my side. But look at this community… We are all here too. Let’s all keep on going together. xo

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  3. It is indeed very tiring. I don’t have any great advice – as I regularly find myself in the same boat, but want you to know your words mean a lot and I’m glad to see that you’re back to writing again. Big hugs to you xo

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  4. Reading your blog is like watching my life….i once hated microwaved food and it seems like its all i live on. Believe me, i know exactly how you feel. Since my husband died, i googled suicide a lot. Not that i was wanting to do it but i didnt/dont wanna live exactly if that makes sense. Irony is, my husband is gone by his own hand. And i tried to save him until i couldnt. Haunts me to this day. Even though i may think of it, i know how its destroyed me and wouldnt want my parents or sister to go thru it. Renee the very fact that your blogging, is helping someone. Sometimes it helps just to tell your story and your story helps me. So you’re needed…and yes, by a complete stranger – me. Do be good to yourself. I have no words of wisdom but i can tell you’re loving person but based upon the love you convey for your dog. I live for my Barney. He’s all i got in this world.

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    1. Reading your comment made my eyes tear up and I always feel guilty for talking about suicide when I know it leaves people behind we love, and who love us. I stopped writing for a long time because I didn’t want to deal with the emotions but I know I have to or they will just keep haunting me. Knowing that my blog is being read and is helping people is all I need to keep writing. In turn you have no idea how much it means to me when I read comments like yours and read other blogs written by people dealing with grief and loneliness. I know I’m not alone and neither are you…I’m here…and so is Barney…and Klaus!

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