I’m gonna break the spell tonight. I will not immediately put my pajamas on at 5:30 and retreat to my cozy warm lair nor will I eat Alprazolam like Tic-Tacs and pass out to episodes of Girls or Broad City. I will not eat another frozen pizza in bed with a glass full of whiskey and read self-help books until I want to tear out my eyes. I will not make a detailed list of the reasons why everything would be better if I could just disappear. I will not fall asleep by 8pm only to wake up at 2am with an anxious and nauseating feeling about the next day. Instead I’ll emerge from my tomb and either wish I had done it sooner, or wish I had never done it at all.
There’s a lot of self-hatred and pity circulating through my system and I need to purge it because I’m teetering on the edge of giving up. I’ve allowed painful experiences to chip away at the foundation of my existence and in turn I’ve become weak and easy to tear down. I tried so hard to make other people happy even if it meant I was miserable. I completely depleted what energy I had left until I physically couldn’t move. I remember a time when I looked forward to going out but now the thought of real interaction feels terrifying. The amount of people I trust keeps dwindling and I constantly anticipate the next disappointment. I can vaguely recall what self-confidence felt like and I really miss it. All I want is to feel worthy of something good and hopeful that it will come along someday.