It’s True now

I’ve ruined the few good things I had, and what I didn’t ruin just ended up ruining me.  Let’s imagine happiness returned.  It would’t stay long.  Despair is just around the corner waiting to move in as soon as the Sun appears.  I can’t even say I’m lost because I’m not sure I ever knew where I was or where I was going.  I’ve had entirely too many people say “You’re never going to be happy.”  Either way they were correct or I finally started to believe it too. It is certainly true now.

I’ve been forever lonely, even before and during Jason’s brief appearance in my life.  But at least I had hope he might be the one to fix it.  It all seems beyond repair now and why does it even matter because there is nobody to be happy for anymore.  It’s me inside my fucking head with no escape.

This blog was a way to make sense of Jason’s death, or at least shout how pissed and angry I was about it.  Now it has become a way to makes sense of the desperation I feel.


3 thoughts on “It’s True now

  1. My heart is aching for you each day. Please waste no time in making sense of the senseless. I am afraid even when we know how they died we don’t know the why. I have come to the belief that no why would be good enough to satisfy me and so I simply just believe it happened. It wasn’t because of something he did, something I did, or for the greater good.

    I did not know him, but I do find it difficult to believe that one who was loved so fully as you loved Jason, would want you to be perpetually unhappy. I don’t for one second think happy is easy to get to, I hope that with each day, week, month – whatever unit of time you can muster you will find less unhappy until maybe not happy but you will find life less painful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know Jason wouldn’t want me to be unhappy but I’m not sure how to live without him. I feel like my moods are all over the place these days. I go from thinking I can handle it and get through the day to curling up in my bed and just wanting to disappear. And this time of year doesn’t help. I’m already thinking about another New Year’s alone. I know you are right though, it will keep getting easier if I just give it time.


  2. I’m sorry you had a shitty day. I hope tomorrow is easier. You should keep going out and socialising, even when you don’t want to. 21 days to break a habbit. maybe just call someone different each day for a quick chat. It always makes me feel better. x


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