I’ve ruined the few good things I had, and what I didn’t ruin just ended up ruining me. Let’s imagine happiness returned. It would’t stay long. Despair is just around the corner waiting to move in as soon as the Sun appears. I can’t even say I’m lost because I’m not sure I ever knew where I was or where I was going. I’ve had entirely too many people say “You’re never going to be happy.” Either way they were correct or I finally started to believe it too. It is certainly true now.
I’ve been forever lonely, even before and during Jason’s brief appearance in my life. But at least I had hope he might be the one to fix it. It all seems beyond repair now and why does it even matter because there is nobody to be happy for anymore. It’s me inside my fucking head with no escape.
This blog was a way to make sense of Jason’s death, or at least shout how pissed and angry I was about it. Now it has become a way to makes sense of the desperation I feel.