Time is my enemy. All I want is for the day to go by as quickly as possible so I can go back to sleep. That’s the only time I don’t feel trapped inside my head. I no longer count the last 24 hours as a victory but rather as a failure because I’m still here. I never imagined this year would be harder than the first year but it is and I can’t make sense of it.
I have this overwhelming anxiety and fear of never being able to escape the loneliness. My “Give a Fuck O’Meter” has hit a new low and it’s frustrating because I feel like I’m really putting effort into pulling myself out of the hole. My stack of self-help books on depression, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, grief, personality disorders, Buddhism, suicide, etc. could rival the shelves at Barnes & Noble.
I’ve done support groups and I go to counseling and I take medication but nothing works. Where am I supposed to go from here? I have tried everything and I’d even give Electroconvulsive Therapy a turn at the wheel if I thought it could make a difference.
I’ve given up on the elusive notion of happiness. I don’t even know what the hell that means anymore. All I want is to exist without the desire to not exist. But how?