But How?

Time is my enemy.  All I want is for the day to go by as quickly as possible so I can go back to sleep.  That’s the only time I don’t feel trapped inside my head.  I no longer count the last 24 hours as a victory but rather as a failure because I’m still here.  I never imagined this year would be harder than the first year but it is and I can’t make sense of it.

I have this overwhelming anxiety and fear of never being able to escape the loneliness.  My “Give a Fuck O’Meter” has hit a new low and it’s frustrating because I feel like I’m really putting effort into pulling myself out of the hole.  My stack of self-help books on depression, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, grief, personality disorders, Buddhism, suicide, etc. could rival the shelves at Barnes & Noble.

I’ve done support groups and I go to counseling and I take medication but nothing works.  Where am I supposed to go from here?  I have tried everything and I’d even give Electroconvulsive Therapy a turn at the wheel if I thought it could make a difference.

I’ve given up on the elusive notion of happiness.  I don’t even know what the hell that means anymore.  All I want is to exist without the desire to not exist.  But how?

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2 thoughts on “But How?

  1. Your comment “I never imagined this year would be harder than the first year but it is and I can’t make sense of it.” hit home for me. My husband died unexpectedly right around the same time as yours, so the time frame is similar. I remember hearing from a few different people (including the grief counselor) that the second year is often harder than the first. (I couldn’t quite believe it at the time.) I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately because, after feeling stronger for a while, I was blindsided by a different grief. It’s a whole different kind of hard and life feels overwhelmingly challenging again right now. I’m back into just trying to get through each day. It gives me some hope to see other people who survived this experience. It helps me to hear I am not alone in what I am feeling. I hope it helps you as well. Strength and comfort to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What you’re feeling, and the person in the previous comment, really resonates with me also. What’s different about the second year, except that he’s still gone? For some reason there’s this idea that things should get easier, but in reality I guess we are all faced with the energy it takes to continue living and piecing life back together- still. Thank you for sharing yourself here; it’s encouraging to me.

    Liked by 3 people

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