How Did I Do?

It’ll be two years in exactly two weeks.  And I never imagined I could have survived the loss of him but somehow I’m begrudgingly here.  I’ve gone through many coping mechanisms.  There were periods of intense clinging to every little piece of him still left, including smelling his deodorant 20 times a day and memorizing his last to-do list, followed by months of complete denial when I couldn’t even say his name out loud or acknowledge I was ever married.  I changed almost every detail of my current life because remembering the former one just hurt.  New house, new car, new clothes, new friends and new memories that don’t include him.  Forgetting was all just part of the grieving process and is also the reason I didn’t check my blog for months.  It’s the reason I’ve avoided our friends and his family.  However as the second anniversary of his death approaches I feel an urge to reconnect with him and remember…

I watched a documentary called the Barkley Marathon last week and it ignited within me a debilitating sadness because two of the runners reminded me so much of Jason.  Their looks, mannerisms, professions, cadence when speaking…but most of all their determination to attempt what most people brush off as impossible.  If Jason said he was going to do it, then he just did it.  It had been months since I rolled around on the floor pounding at the ground with my fists, spitting and spewing every curse word I could think of and crying uncontrollably, but I did exactly that as I approached the end of the film and then I stood up red-faced and unable to catch my breath…but I stood up.  The anguish and despair had been building for months but I would push it away.  I would bury the memories and pretend like April 13th, 2014 never happened.  I did anything and everything to forget…

Today I listened to one of his 14 saved voicemails.  That was fucking difficult.  Then I read the last text I ever sent to him…the one he never responded to because he was pronounced dead two minutes before I sent it.  “How did you do?”  was all it said.  I imagine him asking me the same thing right now.

“Good enough I suppose”

Advertisements