The “Seconds” suck too…

I made it through the second anniversary of the day I now despise.  I thought all of those “firsts” would be the most difficult but it turns out the “seconds” make your heart hurt just as much.  I feel that much more distant from Jason, not that his star doesn’t shine as brightly anymore but the sound of his laugh is much fainter.

I haven’t needed any additional challenges so of course it was the perfect time for my dog to get aspiration pneumonia.  Aspiration…sounds really hopeful doesn’t it but it’s the worst type of pneumonia a dog can get apparently.  We’ve been in and out of the emergency vets for the past month and some of those included overnight stays.  Unfortunately the most recent visit required the furry center of my universe to spend 3 nights in the ICU.  He was finally able to come home April 12th so I was looking forward to at least spending unlucky 13 with him. But no…he had another episode Wednesday morning meaning he couldn’t breathe well.   How could a shitty day possibly get shittier?  At least he didn’t have to spend the night.

What I did learn last week is how much my friends truly do care about me, and that means my dog too because anyone who knows me knows that he’s my four-footed soul mate.  I received so many emails and texts asking how he was doing and one of my friends even brought over a care package to help me get through the worst day on the calendar…so it is in these most difficult times we realize how much we are loved.  I also got a package from Jason’s sister which was a very thoughtful gift and an email that was more special to me than she probably even knows.  Always looking for those silver linings and usually we can find them if we let ourselves.

Surviving the experience of losing the person I assumed would be in my life forever, and almost losing my dog in the same month have made me question what the hell I’m doing with my life, so I signed up to volunteer with Hospice starting in May and I’m planning to go back to school for Psychology in the Fall.   Jason would be very supportive of these plans and I wouldn’t have decided to do either if it weren’t for everything that has happened over the past two years.  I sort of feel like it is his way of challenging me because that was one of the things he did best and I’ll be better for it because of him.

And now I must cuddle with my handsome little man…



2 thoughts on “The “Seconds” suck too…

  1. I just passed the 1 year anniversary of the love of my life sudden death. He was only 35 when he died. Also, perfectly healthy. I would like to connect with you as I find it hard to find others (in my age group). I am currently 32. If you would be interested in connecting, you can contact me via email if you like. I’m so sorry for your loss. Much love.


  2. I lost my husband of 33 years 8 months ago he was 53 . I am so sad and depressed I miss him so much i cry all the time my eyes are constantly puffy and I have a horrible headache I get home from work at 4 and get right into my pjs my puppies miss him terribly too I can tell they are not the same they seem sad anyway I just wanted to reach out and let you know your not alone and I took some comfort in reading your blog you made me feel normal for a minute


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