I went home this past Mother’s Day to grace my mom with my angelic and heart-warming presence, and also to eat food she had to cook on her very own holiday…although I guess that would technically be her birthday since she has to share Mother’s Day with anyone who has regurgitated a screaming blob of cells from their vag. I’d feel guilty about this except she likes to cook and I promised to take her out to dinner when she visits me. The town they live in (and I say town very loosely) has an Applebee’s and some fast food chains. Gross. I’d rather eat out of the garbage disposal at a Golden Corral in Kentucky.
Anyway, the point of this story is the creepy photo that she gave me. This is her dad’s side of the family posing with what appears to be a legless “hamster man” in a coffin. We’re not sure who he was but he should be glad he’s dead so he never had to see this unsightly photo. And I don’t mean unsightly because of the overall content, which is fucking amazing, but because he looks awful! I would be terribly upset if this is how I was immortalized…my seemingly legless body sliding down a casket and grasping my rodent-like hands together surrounded by people who look generally unenthused to be there. I guess they are at a funeral though and smiling might be inappropriate…but I bet at least one person got the giggles when they saw the deceased.
I’m framing this picture and hanging it for all to see so I can say “Yep, that’s my family and they’re fucking cool!”