I think I might have a problem

I watch my dog incessantly.  The addiction started when I began taking him to doggy daycare.  I would pull up their webcams on my second monitor while at work and consequently get nothing done.  I would stalk him throughout the day and become anxious whenever he went off camera for more than a few minutes.  He got in trouble once for playing too rough and had to sit in time out.  Then they forgot he was in time out and left him there for half the fucking day which didn’t even make sense because he is a docile and loving creature.   Time out isn’t why I shell out $28/day.   I spend that money so he can play and socialize…and also so I can spy on him whenever I want.  So this led me to start calling the daycare whenever he disappeared for any length of time…10 minutes became my threshold.  People would come into my office to talk about some mundane work related bullshit and I would interrupt them by pointing at my computer screen and saying something like “Look!  My dog is in the swimming pool!  I always thought he hated water.”  In other words please don’t bother me with work because I’m watching dog TV.

This obsession eventually led to me installing security cameras in my house so I could check on him while I was getting drunk at the bar or punishing myself with a trip to Costco.  At first I would check in every hour or so, and then that became every half hour which eventually became every 15 minutes.  I had to increase the data plan on my phone.  Now when I check in and don’t see him for more than 20 minutes I assume something terrible has happened. Maybe I left the toilet seat up and he drowned.  I don’t even know how this would be possible because he’s a big fucking dog and logically this makes no sense, and he isn’t a toilet dog.  I also envision Michael Vick breaking into my house and stealing him as bait for dog fighting. Or what if I accidentally dropped some Adderall on the floor which he ingested, and then became so focused on licking his ass that he broke his neck.

He goes to a different daycare now and they have an outdoor area with fake grass, a swimming pool and water fountains.  They also have a really boring room with nothing in it except for overweight attendants.  Both of these areas are equipped with cameras which means I’m still highly unproductive at work.  It’s pretty obvious he prefers the outdoor area because he interacts with the other dogs and tries to bite the water shooting out of the fountains.  When he is indoors he looks extremely disappointed and gazes longingly at the dogs outside, wanting to be one of them.  So today I saw him wasting away inside and decided to call the daycare.  I told them my dog would prefer to be outside and that I watch him ALL day while I’m at work…in other words I know exactly what you all are doing every minute of the day, therefore you need to let my dog outside because I’m watching you, and I will know if you are fucking lying to me.  He’s outside now and splashing around in the water.  This makes me happy.


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