I’m currently single. Partly by choice and also not by choice. I was married and he died. After a few failed attempts at dating I realized it was pointless because all I really wanted was him and nobody else could be that person and it wasn’t fair to expect that of someone. This doesn’t deter me from giving out my number to guys and then wishing I hadn’t because when the possibility of a real date arises then all I want to do is bail on the idea. All I desire right now is to hang out with my friends and fall asleep next to my dog. I’m not opposed to the occasional make-out session but this only happens when I am drunk and I end up regretting it the next day. Turns out beer + whiskey shots = no memory of previous night.
I just sent the email below to a potential suitor in hopes that he’ll realize how much he doesn’t really want to go out with me. I forgot to add that I am a completely selfish asshole to the list. That probably should have been #1 in hindsight. Oh well.
I am going to divulge some things about myself that could possibly lead to you not emailing or texting me back ever again, but I’d rather just get these things out of the way.
1. I drink at a dirty dive bar which is conveniently located a block from my house. The place is full of questionable characters and this is probably why I like it so much. I can be myself and I don’t have to dress up…or even shower if I don’t feel like it. This is my typical Tuesday (taco truck parks outside bar and beers are $1), my typical Friday and usually my Saturday. I told you I was boring but the familiarity of the people make it feel safe and comfortable. Sure, I have to carry a taser and pepper spray when I walk home but that’s all part of the excitement.
2. I judge people based on their music, book and movie tastes. I know it isn’t nice and I shouldn’t judge a person based on book covers. I still hang out with people who listen to what I think it terrible music. It’s just that I sometimes feel superior to them and that technically makes me a media snob.
3. I’m an atheist. Not a very vocal or militant atheist but I think most of society’s issues can be traced back to religious beliefs.
4. I don’t like kids. They’re loud and talk all the time but say nothing of real value. I also find them to be needy and time-consuming. That being said I can tolerate my friends’ kids for roughly 2-3 hours. I do like my nieces and nephews because they’re pretty fucking cool. I like them even more now that they’re older and don’t want to play Candyland for 3 hours.
5. I enjoy hallucinogenics. They do for me what years of therapy could not and they’ve helped with my depression much more than the array of antidepressants I’ve tried over the past 20 years. Oh, should probably mention mental illness, primarily depression followed by suicide, runs in my family. On both sides. Sometimes I feel screwed over by my DNA and tell my parents that procreation was probably a bad idea.
6. You already know I’m kind of obsessed with my dog…but I don’t know if you realize how obsessed I am with my dog. I have cameras in my house so I can check on him on days he doesn’t go to doggy daycare, or if I am at the dive bar and want to see what he’s up to.
7. I spend a lot of time doing personal stuff at work because I loathe my job and it is the only way to maintain my sanity. I get paid well but I am completely bored and disengaged. I don’t feel the least bit guilty about spending half my day writing or watching free documentaries online. I’m not sure what this says about my moral character. I’ll let you decide.
8. I’m mouthy. Extremely mouthy. I’ve been very polite and on my best behavior with you, and I think I only used the word “fuck” once in this email. I can however be a classy girl when the situation requires it…but I really have to focus on being a “lady” because it isn’t natural for me. I also burp, very often. This didn’t seem important enough to have its own number on the list.