A Man and his Squirrel


One of my friends from the local dive bar formed a bond with a squirrel a couple of months ago.  They had a unique relationship fueled mostly by whiskey and a mutual love of the patio/smoking area.  My friend hasn’t seen his squirrel friend he lovingly named Pitter Patter in several weeks and he has become distraught.  His concern for his furry little pal makes me sad because I’m fairly certain Pitter Patter has crossed the legendary rainbow bridge.  The reason I think he has moved on is because yesterday I was suddenly overcome and possessed with the ethereal spirit of this dodgy little Pitter Patter…and below are his final words to his beloved friend.  I feel compelled to share this heartwarming tale of a tail and his human companion.

For Derek

 I remember the day our love caught fire.  I was scurrying down the telephone wire.

You looked up, a cigarette dangling from your lips, I twitched my nose and wiggled my hips.

How quickly our two hearts blended into one, sitting on the back patio under the sun.

I gathered nuts while you hunted beers, and you were always there like the fleas in my ears.

You knew I would never go too far, I stayed close to you and even closer to the bar.

However the life of a squirrel is kind of shitty, especially for those of us who dwell in the city.

Cars whiz by aiming right for us. I was once tapped lightly on the ass by a blue Ford Taurus.

Our average lifespan is one to two years, so let this true Google fact dry your tears.

We had a good run, we had squirrely fun…but unfortunately my time here is done.

Frankly I wasn’t looking forward to summer, hot asphalt and rooftops are kind of a bummer.

I have tiny little hands and tiny little feet, they tend to burn quickly in this oppressive heat.

I’ll always be your furry ball of delight, watching over you from 3pm and into the night.

Please keep my legacy fresh and alive in that dirty ass bar which Yelp calls a dive.

You may come across eyes that twinkle like mine, I tapped a lot of squirrel ass and it was divine.

My seed is spread across the Boro. When it came to breeding I was very thorough.

I did this for you so you’d never be alone, but also because rodents really love to bone.

Oh sweet Derek, no need to look for me…my spirit still dances throughout the trees.

As for my fate, it really doesn’t matter. Stay golden Derek…Love, Pitter Patter


Please tell Dai his belly gets just a little bit fatter every time he refers to me as Splitter Splatter.



Tell Sparkles when in doubt to just flap those wings and let it all hang out.


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