I don’t even know where or how to start this story. But I’ll try.
So this past Tuesday I was feeling depressed as I do most all of the time but in a much bigger way because my heart hurt, and usually it’s just my brain I am fighting against. The heart is a reputable opponent. Little fucker. I decided to take 38 more Xanax than what was prescribed. Yeah, it was on purpose but I didn’t dare tell any of the three psychiatrists I had to meet with that information. I told them I thought someone slipped something in my drink. Turns out that someone was me and I chased it down with a vodka and soda water.
I guess I sent out some questionable texts that night because let’s face it…I didn’t really want to die but I needed someone to save me.
I remember nothing after swallowing those pills. I woke up in a fucking hospital with a real-life Nurse Ratched sitting smugly in a chair across from me. I didn’t know how I got there or how long I was going to be stuck there. I was involuntarily checked in which means I had no control over my freedom at that point. They wouldn’t let me have a book, a piece of paper, a pen or pencil, make a phone call or even take a piss. They also denied me water. I kept pleading for water and she ignored me. I kept pleading to use the bathroom and she continued to ignore me. So I peed right there in that fucking bed. And then I pulled the IV’s out of my hand and arms which meant blood shot everywhere. It was glorious and epic. One of my prouder moments.
I managed to get released the next day by stringing together a bunch of bullshit lies and here I am. Sitting in a hotel room alone three hours from home. Wanting so badly to go out and mingle and be social, but knowing how awkward I am and how difficult I find it to make friends. I even took extra Adderall but all it is doing is making me sweat more. Not a good quality if you’re trying to infiltrate a social circle.
Also I have my dog with me and he freaked out when I just slipped out of the room to grab some ice for the liquor I thoughtfully brought along for this journey. Maybe we’ll just take a walk after the sun goes down and I’ll listen to my headphones and think about how I botched it, and how next time I’ll plan it out better.
I’m not proofreading this so if there are grammatical errors or misspellings I really don’t give a rat’s ass.
Fuck you Nurse Ratched. Cunt. I’ll outwit you one of these days…