Things that are better than being at work

  1.  Having colorful twisty straws full of pissed off fire ants shoved in all of your orifices, fois gras style
  2. 24 hours of nothing but the Hallmark channel and boxed chardonnay
  3. Explosive and violent post-Taco Bell diarrhea followed by several hours of regret
  4. Discovering you were adopted and then learning that the seasoned older man you’ve been dating and having prolific biblical relations with is your real dad
  5. Sitting on the toilet in tears because you still haven’t called your doctor about your raging UTI, and now your urine is bloodier than a Season 5 episode of Vikings
  6. Pulling a roundworm out of a stranger’s ass using nothing but your teeth
  7. Engaging in coitus with Bill Cosby…but remembering it
  8. Being the oldest person at a hipster bar
  9. Taking a Carnival cruise with an ex-boyfriend and just a pinch of the noro virus
  10. The grocery store at 5pm on Senior Citizen Day.  And then noting that they all have their checkbooks out and absolutely no idea what store they’re in
  11. Playing “Human Centipede” with three people you just met at a truck stop only to realize they’re enjoying being in character much more than you are…and unfortunately you are the middle piece
  12. Being several bites into your pad Thai before noticing the excessive amount of long black hairs artfully twisted around your tofu, and then looking up just in time to see the sinister smile of your server, who also has long black hair
  13. Powering through the serotonin dip the day after taking ecstasy and being locked in a room with only  your parents and a Ray Stevens record for relief
  14. Being in the middle of a sales transaction at a furniture store and realizing Starbucks didn’t take your diatribe about lactose intolerance seriously and gave you whole milk instead of soy
  15. Standing in line at Costco, on the Saturday before Christmas, with nothing in your cart but cases of La Croix and a relentless migraine
  16. Throwing up (through your nose) several shots of Evan Williams after inhaling the last bite of a Jimmy John’s tuna sub
  17. Attending a Catholic wedding in a church with no air conditioning in mid-August and angrily ruminating on the fact that the bride is already knocked up, and your soul is leaking through your formal wear for no good reason
  18. Making out with a guy who tastes just like your dog’s impacted anal glands, or at least what you’d imagine they’d taste like, if you had ever tasted them…
  19. Trying to logically explain to the paramedic, before you pass out, how you accidentally drove your Pampered Chef knife into the middle of your hand while removing wax from a candle holder.  And being told about the freezer trick after they’ve finished stitching up your mangled paw
  20. Acknowledging that you’re finally at the age when Carefree panty liners are no longer optional but necessary if there is any chance you might sneeze

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