Nobody Will Know I’m Dead

I haven’t posted anything ever since I lost the ability to string letters together to make words, and then string those together to make coherent sentences…or at least I keep telling myself I’ve lost it.  I’ve misplaced a lot of things over the past several months, the least of which is my ability to function in social situations without becoming absurdly anxious about every little fucking thing.  Being around people is exasperating these days.  The only reason I even manage to make it to work is because I know I need money to pay for the house I have to keep so I have a place to hide from the world.   I know I spend entirely too much time alone in a quiet and dimly lit bedroom with only my dog for company.  I say “only my dog” but he’s basically everything to me, which maybe is why I don’t feel the need to leave the house much anymore.

I was reading an article about a man named George Bell who dies in his NYC apartment and nobody notices his absenteeism until a fetid stench starts wandering through the building, and then a neighbor also happens to notice that his car hasn’t moved in days.  I wonder how and when anyone will know when I’m dead.  Will it be the mailman who calls the police when he can no longer squeeze more bills and Papa John’s coupons into my mailbox…or will he take note of the fact that he’s had no Amazon boxes for me in the past two weeks?  Will my neighbors notice the accumulation of dust and pollen on my stationary vehicle and get suspicious?  Will the Terminix technician peek in a window and catch sight of a blackened and bloated foot sticking out past the edge of my sofa?  I hope I don’t have to wait too long to be found because I don’t really want an article written about my lonely and desolate existence.

Okay, I thought maybe writing something would lift my spirits.  This was a bad idea…


3 thoughts on “Nobody Will Know I’m Dead

  1. I commend you for having a job and supporting yourself financially. I have not gotten that far in life yet, unfortunately. think I am a bit agoraphobic in addition to having general anxiety as well as social anxiety. I do manage to get out of the house to go places but I have anxiety over having to let whoever is home actually know that I’ll be out. I believe in my case I don’t like the anxiety that arises from people wanting to have a full on conversation with me about where I’m going when I’m already anxious about stepping out of the house in the first place. I just wish I could say I am going out and people would let me be. I genuinely prefer it when no one is home so I can leave without having to talk to anyone. I also wish I lived alone without my parents but this is impossible for me now since I have no job and I’ve run into problems with feeling anxious even when I’m just looking at job postings or if I’m called in for an interview.

    It sounds nice for you to at least have a dog for companionship. I could never have another high functioning pet since I’m terrible at devoting most of my time to an animal that is so dependent on me and usually this just gives me more anxiety over worrying about another living being’s needs. I can barely care for myself as it is lol.


    1. I’ve always had some general anxiety and depression but it has certainly worsened over the years, and I know the longer I stay isolated, the harder it is to re-enter the world…and the easier and more comforting it becomes to just hide. I’ve had the same mind-numbing job for 13 years so I think they just let me coast because I’ve become more of a fixture than an employee…I can live with that, I guess. You write well so maybe you could do freelance writing?? Then you don’t have to leave your house. Of course I say this but I have no concept of how difficult it is to do freelance writing since I myself have never tried, but have always wanted to. Again, fear keeps us paralyzed! I totally understand the whole pet thing…I have anxiety about my dog dying nonstop so I’ve already vowed to never ever care about anything this much again, and as you said, taking care of oneself is difficult enough! Thank you for the comment…always nice to know someone else understands the struggle 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for the compliment about my writing. You’re not the first person to tell me this and I still have difficulty believing it but I guess if multiple people have said it to me, it is true? I’d love to try freelance writing but I have no idea where to start. I only have an associate‘s degree from some college and I would prefer not to go back to school bc that whole thing is a conundrum I have never enjoyed. I actually flunked out while attempting to get a bachelor’s degree because I couldn’t stand walking into a crowded classroom and everytime I was called on during class I’d just freeze up. I thought about talking to someone at the school mental health office then but was too scared to even go in. This was like three years ago. Then I got kicked out of the school because my GPA dropped very low.

        It is definitely sad to think about a pet dying, for sure. Having had a pet is the closest experience I will ever have to what it’s like to have a child.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s