This is the view from my toilet. Pretty nice huh? Here’s the problem though: I’m only witnessing the world from this side of the window lately. I wasn’t even using the restroom when I took this picture…I was just trying to see the sky without walking outside for fear the neighbors would invite me to their cookout. I can’t do social situations lately. While I do have some valid excuses such as being sick with strep throat followed by pink eye (and no, I didn’t get this from my dog farting feces particles in my face all the time…it was a secondary infection to the strep), I really can’t justify my anti-social behavior for the past year. I know I probably spend more time than necessary coddling my dog but he’s had a lot of health issues lately, and frankly I’m not sure how long he’s going to be with me. I want to savor every last drop of his amazingness and be the best human to him that I can be. He has been my life-support for the past several years and I NEED HIM. Tears well up just at the anticipation of him not being here with me.
But I miss my human friends too. I miss laughing. I miss monopolizing TouchTunes with 80’s hits. I miss hugging people. I miss great conversations. I miss offending people with my sense of humor and lack of filter. I even miss waking up on Saturday mornings with a hangover headache. I miss participating in life.
I wish I could understand my isolationist attitude lately, and promptly squash it. Depression and anxiety don’t make great bedfellows because they’re constantly struggling against one another. I’m depressed because I’m lonely but my anxiety keeps me from interacting with others thereby pushing me further into my hole…so my internal thoughts are at war all the fucking time. I’m only relieved of this conflict when I’m sleeping…so I sleep too much now as well. And the lack of activity has made my ass fatter, which means none of my jeans fit. So now even if I can muster up the courage to go out, I have nothing to wear…or I feel like a can of Pillsbury Biscuits getting ready to pop.
I’m just really hating my fucking life today and it’s not even 2pm. I still have another 8 hours of horrible self-reflection left before I can justify taking my Xanax and drifting off into nothingness.