The Perks of Being a Widowflower

I typically keep my relationship status of widow separate from anything on this blog since I devoted so much of my time to writing another blog on that specific subject, but today I was thinking of various lists swimming around in my cesspool of a deranged  brain, and decided which were worthy of being fleshed out into a post.  I get very disapproving looks whenever throw out a joke about  widowhood and dead husbands, but the only way I know how to survive tragedy is through the lens of humor and so far it has saved me from going completely bonkers.

Of course there are an extraordinary amount drawbacks to being a 39-year old widow in the smack dab middle of her life, but I’m surrounded by forced to face those shortcomings all fucking day, so I enjoy focusing on the few “benefits” that come with being completely and utterly abandoned by the person who vowed to never leave you, ever.   Okay, maybe that last sentence was dramatic but he always promised that nothing would happen to him so he basically lied, and therefore I can casually use the word abandoned in a “lovingly – I ain’t mad atcha” kind of way because I know it wasn’t his choice.

So, here is my list of slightly silvery linings to some pretty dark and menacing clouds.

  1. Not questioning whether or not you flushed the toilet after your morning purge.  Mr. Hanky will still be there when you get home from work and nobody else ever has to know that you missed a step in sanitation 101, or that you ate black bean and corn salsa the preceding evening.
  2. Frozen pizza is okay.  Actually it can go straight from the oven and directly on to a large plate without being cut into equal slices.  You can just drag that entire pizza to your bed and gnaw at the edges like a rat without judgement.  Or you can say fuck the edges and just eat the middle, although calls for more strategy and probably a burnt tongue.  Also your t-shirt can act as a napkin so clean up is super fucking easy.
  3. The answer to “Do we need this?” and “Can we afford this?” can always be a very emphatic and triumphant YES!  Making decisions no longer has to be a logically and well-though out process involving the input of someone who is financially wiser than yourself.
  4. Nobody complains when the electricity is turned off because you may have overlooked a bill or two.  Only you can blame you. That should be a public service announcement just because of the power of the last sentence.
  5. As a follow-up to the above…everything is always your fault 100% of the time… but that also means that all of the victories are also 100% yours too!  So remembering to wheel the trash out to the curb or close the garage door is your fucking brilliance shining through!  There can be no light without darkness…or electricity without money.
  6. You no longer have to hide your embarrassing Netflix queue or the “shows you’ve watched” list. Enough said.
  7. Dirty sheets?  Who fucking cares.  It’s your dirt, and dirt don’t hurt.
  8. You’ll have countless hours of silent self-reflection time, almost always culminating in the surety of being a crappy friend and a socially inept being unable to make conversation with pretty much anyone.
  9.  You c an survive for weeks on cheese and crackers, and even longer if you have an assortment of condiments, making every night a discovery in delightful cracker combinations.  I urge you to try a saltine with a slice of cheddar and a nice squirt of horseradish, or perhaps a teaspoon of aged pickle relish.  It’s your call…and your cracker.
  10. Let those pubes grow and flourish like a non-inhabited Amazonian jungle because nobody is venturing into the southern regions of your wild continent.  This saves about 2-5 minutes a week depending on your heritage.  This furry abundance can also keep those dirty bits a little warmer in the winter, especially when your electricity has been extinguished.
  11. Make people feel guilty for discussing their bad day at the office, or the death of their 113-year old great-great grandma.  Throw out the widow card and nobody will try to one-up your game with their plight of being an under-appreciated admin assistant.
  12. You can make a montage of yourself burping unapologetically.  I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this.  You all know exactly what I am talking about.
  13. Wonder aloud if Spencer and Heidi (Speidi) are still together ,or if her plastic surgery making her look like a deranged muppet was the last straw for him and his oversized teeth.
  14. Spend hours making faces in the mirror without anyone questioning your sanity, or trying to get in on that shit by hip-bumping you to the side and taking over part of your stage.
  15. Your bathrobe can be your new best friend.  It’s like being Hugh Hefner but in fleece instead of silk, and also without all the money and grottos full of attractive people and one old guy.
  16. No longer need to pretend that Jersey Shore doesn’t have cultural significance or is beneath you.  You can also admit that you have a steadily growing crush on Vinny and want Snookie to be your best friend because she too likes slippers and animals masks. And drinking.  And has recurring UTI’s.  She can be your FastMed buddy on the weekends.
  17.   Drugs no longer have to be divided 50/50.  Again, no need to expand on this concept.  Smoke/snort/swallow it all without feeling the least bit greedy.
  18. Beneficiary forms are really easy to complete because you don’t have to remember someone else’s social security number in addition to your own.  9 digits are hard to remember now that you’re doing all of the drugs.
  19. No need to shower before bed, or even use a baby-wipe before putting on a fresh pair of underwear.  Your grief has earned you the right to smell like a sweaty crotch sock.
  20. And finally, you can sit at home on a Friday night in your bathrobe, with a pile of crackers and condiments between your unshaven filthy crotch, watching Jersey Shore and making lists, all while burping and patting yourself on the back for being a YES! girl because you just purchased a really expensive unicorn costume for your dog and didn’t have to consult anyone!

Things that are better than being at work

  1.  Having colorful twisty straws full of pissed off fire ants shoved in all of your orifices, fois gras style
  2. 24 hours of nothing but the Hallmark channel and boxed chardonnay
  3. Explosive and violent post-Taco Bell diarrhea followed by several hours of regret
  4. Discovering you were adopted and then learning that the seasoned older man you’ve been dating and having prolific biblical relations with is your real dad
  5. Sitting on the toilet in tears because you still haven’t called your doctor about your raging UTI, and now your urine is bloodier than a Season 5 episode of Vikings
  6. Pulling a roundworm out of a stranger’s ass using nothing but your teeth
  7. Engaging in coitus with Bill Cosby…but remembering it
  8. Being the oldest person at a hipster bar
  9. Taking a Carnival cruise with an ex-boyfriend and just a pinch of the noro virus
  10. The grocery store at 5pm on Senior Citizen Day.  And then noting that they all have their checkbooks out and absolutely no idea what store they’re in
  11. Playing “Human Centipede” with three people you just met at a truck stop only to realize they’re enjoying being in character much more than you are…and unfortunately you are the middle piece
  12. Being several bites into your pad Thai before noticing the excessive amount of long black hairs artfully twisted around your tofu, and then looking up just in time to see the sinister smile of your server, who also has long black hair
  13. Powering through the serotonin dip the day after taking ecstasy and being locked in a room with only  your parents and a Ray Stevens record for relief
  14. Being in the middle of a sales transaction at a furniture store and realizing Starbucks didn’t take your diatribe about lactose intolerance seriously and gave you whole milk instead of soy
  15. Standing in line at Costco, on the Saturday before Christmas, with nothing in your cart but cases of La Croix and a relentless migraine
  16. Throwing up (through your nose) several shots of Evan Williams after inhaling the last bite of a Jimmy John’s tuna sub
  17. Attending a Catholic wedding in a church with no air conditioning in mid-August and angrily ruminating on the fact that the bride is already knocked up, and your soul is leaking through your formal wear for no good reason
  18. Making out with a guy who tastes just like your dog’s impacted anal glands, or at least what you’d imagine they’d taste like, if you had ever tasted them…
  19. Trying to logically explain to the paramedic, before you pass out, how you accidentally drove your Pampered Chef knife into the middle of your hand while removing wax from a candle holder.  And being told about the freezer trick after they’ve finished stitching up your mangled paw
  20. Acknowledging that you’re finally at the age when Carefree panty liners are no longer optional but necessary if there is any chance you might sneeze

Trust me, I’m an asshole


I’m currently single.  Partly by choice and also not by choice.  I was married and he died. After a few failed attempts at dating I realized it was pointless because all I really wanted was him and nobody else could be that person and it wasn’t fair to expect that of someone.  This doesn’t deter me from giving out my number to guys and then wishing I hadn’t because when the possibility of a real date arises then all I want to do is bail on the idea. All I desire right now is to hang out with my friends and fall asleep next to my dog.  I’m not opposed to the occasional make-out session but this only happens when I am drunk and I end up regretting it the next day.  Turns out beer + whiskey shots = no memory of previous night.
I just sent the email below to a potential suitor in hopes that he’ll realize how much he doesn’t really want to go out with me.  I forgot to add that I am a completely selfish asshole to the list.  That probably should have been #1 in hindsight. Oh well.
I am going to divulge some things about myself that could possibly lead to you not emailing or texting me back ever again, but I’d rather just get these things out of the way.
1.  I drink at a dirty dive bar which is conveniently located a block from my house.  The place is full of questionable characters and this is probably why I like it so much.  I can be myself and I don’t have to dress up…or even shower if I don’t feel like it.  This is my typical Tuesday (taco truck parks outside bar and beers are $1), my typical Friday and usually my Saturday.  I told you I was boring but the familiarity of the people make it feel safe and comfortable.  Sure, I have to carry a taser and pepper spray when I walk home but that’s all part of the excitement.
2.  I judge people based on their music, book and movie tastes.  I know it isn’t nice and I shouldn’t judge a person based on book covers.  I still hang out with people who listen to what I think it terrible music.  It’s just that I sometimes feel superior to them and that technically makes me a media snob.  
3.  I’m an atheist.  Not a very vocal or militant atheist but I think most of society’s issues can be traced back to religious beliefs.  
4.  I don’t like kids.  They’re loud and talk all the time but say nothing of real value.  I also find them to be needy and time-consuming.  That being said I can tolerate my friends’ kids for roughly 2-3 hours.  I do like my nieces and nephews because they’re pretty fucking cool. I like them even more now that they’re older and don’t want to play Candyland for 3 hours.  
5. I enjoy hallucinogenics.  They do for me what years of therapy could not and they’ve helped with my depression much more than the array of antidepressants I’ve tried over the past 20 years.  Oh, should probably mention mental illness, primarily depression followed by suicide, runs in my family.  On both sides.  Sometimes I feel screwed over by my DNA and tell my parents that procreation was probably a bad idea.  
6. You already know I’m kind of obsessed with my dog…but I don’t know if you realize how obsessed I am with my dog.  I have cameras in my house so I can check on him on days he doesn’t go to doggy daycare, or if I am at the dive bar and want to see what he’s up to. 
7.  I spend a lot of time doing personal stuff at work because I loathe my job and it is the only way to maintain my sanity.  I get paid well but I am completely bored and disengaged.  I don’t feel the least bit guilty about spending half my day writing or watching free documentaries online.  I’m not sure what this says about my moral character. I’ll let you decide.
8.  I’m mouthy.  Extremely mouthy.  I’ve been very polite and on my best behavior with you, and I think I only used the word “fuck” once in this email.  I can however be a classy girl when the situation requires it…but I really have to focus on being a “lady” because it isn’t natural for me.  I also burp, very often.  This didn’t seem important enough to have its own number on the list.