- EDITING: Did your pen dribble out some word spooge last night following those six shots of Evan Williams? Do your sentences just need a comma lover to bend them over the desk and show them some structure? Want someone to highlight the artless speech and search MS Word for more exciting synonyms to sound smarter? Or do you simply want a pat on the back and a comparison to David Foster Wallace? Send me your alphabet ejaculate…I got this
- RESEARCH ASSISTANT: Do you have one of those real careers requiring you to be on point and scrubbed up for the next gunshot victim rolled into the ER? Are you terribly busy at work doing the actual crap they pay you to do? Well I’m not, so if you need someone who has roughly 38 hours a week to spend researching the best OTC treatment for cold sores, or look for prime, yet affordable, taxidermy on Craigslist…then I’m your girl! What the fuck did people do at work before the Internet??
- ONLINE DATING PROFILE CREATION: Send me a couple of pictures of yourself, the last five things you purchased on Amazon, favorite singer/band and a list of the TV shows you binge watch. Yes, I can judge you with incredible accuracy just based on these few facts alone. I will use this information to create a riveting and captivating dating profile, ensuring you get mad winks from the opposite and/or same sex. I can make you sound unique and fascinating even if you’re terribly simple, and have “Live, Love, Laugh” wall art purchased from Bed, Bath & Beyond hanging in your dining room. FULL DISCLOSURE: I myself don’t use online dating because it’s full of creepy men who are using the most flattering 7-year old profile picture they can find and just cropping out the ex. And also they know entirely too much about sports’ stats. I’d rather use the State Sex Offender Registry to troll for dudes because I know exactly what I’m getting, the photo is probably current, it’s completely free, and it’s a “sure thing” if you know what I’m sayin’. Also, some of them won’t be able to leave the state, or maybe even their house, for at least 6 months, so that makes it much harder to avoid me.
- PHARMACEUTICAL REP: Still holding on to those hydrocodone you were given three years ago when you had your wisdom teeth extracted? Been pilfering through Grandma’s medicine cabinet again? Did you find some goodies…maybe even some bennies? Put them in a discreet package and send them to me. I’ll make sure those samples get to the right medical professionals for distribution
- NAPPING BY PROXY: Are you feeling totally drained and exhausted from working so hard at your job and giving all those fucks? Can’t find time to squeeze in a 15 minute or 4-hour nap to recharge those overworked brain cells? Let me know when you’d like to take a nap and when you’d like to wake up…I’ll make sure to nap on your behalf and wake up at the designated time. I’ll then send you an email telling you all about how refreshed and energized I feel. Hopefully you’ll feel it too!
- HUMAN RESOURCES: Yes, I am qualified to provide you with HR services as well. Need to fire someone but just can’t conjure up the balls to do it? I can. In fact, I have the balls right now. Maybe it isn’t a coworker you need to dismiss but perhaps you’ve got a redundant friend who no longer serves a purpose in your life, and frankly you just want to give them a pink slip, or a throat punch. Well, that’s why I’m here! I’ll be the bad guy so you don’t have to!
- PINNING: Are your Pinterest boards a hot fucking mess because you’ve haphazardly saved Pins under illogical categories? Or maybe you need to create an entirely new board to showcase all of the Blythe Doll Pins you’ve collected?? Do you have a board called “Sweet Tooth” which actually contains a bunch of tuna casserole recipes…really, nobody is going to Pinstalk you and take you seriously if your boards are all over the place. Don’t worry, I’ll fix them! Just send me your user name and password…I’ll get right to it after I finish napping by proxy for another client.
These are just a few of the many things I can do to make your life easier, and my life more entertaining! If there’s something you need that is not listed, please contact me…especially if it involves free travel or access to your bank account.